Pineapples and Prozac

I feel like supplements can be a controversial thing in ED recovery. There seems to be this sort of stigma that you need to be gaining in order to drink things like boost and ensure.  I remember when I first entered treatment I was struggling with my meal plan so my dietitian put me on boost plus for one of my snacks because it was an easier way to get calories in. I also had to supplement with normal boost if I didn’t finish 75% of my meals. I had friends in recovery and other family members questioning why I needed to drink them if I didn’t need to gain weight.  Y’all they’re supplements. Yes they can be added as part of a weight gain plan however I wasn’t having them in addition to my meal plan, they were simply a part of my meal plan that was already in place. If drinking a 220 cal boost is easier on my head and stomach than a giant bowl of oatmeal my first week in recovery I’m probably going to chose the boost. Heck I’ve been in recovery for almost a year and a half and ...

So this weekend I went to a convention and I did a lot of thinking and meditating. I realized that I don’t know who I am without my labels. I’m a vegetarian, I’m a recovering anorexic, I’m a daughter. But when I remove all that I don’t know what makes me Danni. I spend most of my time either working or reading/ watching videos about veganism or recovery. I don’t remember the last time I picked up a book for pleasure. Hell I don’t even know what I actually like anymore. I used to like hiking but I don’t have the energy for that anymore, I can’t concentrate on a book to save my life, the only thing I watch on netflix is “Criminal Minds” and I don’t even focus on that anymore. I want to do more and find new interests but I’m scared. I’ve also been struggling a lot recently. Recovery is hard as heck and I’ve found myself falling back into old restrictive habits. I’ve been counting calories and macros trying to make sure i stay under my “safe number.” I’ve become much more focused o...

For a while I was convinced that happiness was an illusion. I was so stuck in my eating disorder and my depression that I worried I would never feel happy. I thought it would never get better and I would be trapped in that darkness forever. Luckily I was wrong and things actually do get better, it just takes a shitload of time. Recovering from an eating disorder and depression takes a lot of patience and faith that whatever’s on the other side is better than what you’re feeling now. My therapist told me something the other day that stuck with me. She said “it’s going to get worse before it gets better.” That is so true. Your ED hurts like hell and in the beginning recovery does too. I’m sorry if it’s not what you want to hear but it’s the truth. But eventually things will start to get better and you won’t even notice it. It’s a little laugh here or a smile there and in the moment it doesn’t feel like much but it all builds up and eventually it won’t hurt as much. Last week I was ...

So some days recovery sucks but it’s helpful having a list of various reasons to recover to try to keep you motivated.  I have my listed posted in my room and on my instagram (@fighting.for.a.better.me)  I know other people who’ve done this and struggled to come up with their own ideas so I figured I’d share my own reasons Reason 1) For myself I deserve to live a life full of love and happiness and I can’t do that if I’m trapped in this disorder. If I continue restricting I know I will feel numb and while it’s great to numb feelings like sadness and self hatred I’ll also miss out on feelings of happiness, joy, and love. I don’t want to live my life in a void of emptiness. Reason 2) For my family My mum was the first person to ever confront me about my eating disorder. It was about 2 years into my ED and she could tell I was getting significantly more depressed and it hurt her to know her child was suffering. There’s been so many times where I’ve watched my moth...

Hi. I've never been much of a writer (besides journaling) but the past few months I've thought about starting a blog so I guess I'm finally going to try. I should probably start with a little bit about me.  I'm Danni, I'm 21 and I'm a recovering anorexic, well atypical anorexic.  You see, while I was trapped in my eating disorder and starved myself for over 3 years I'm still pretty fat.  "How is that possible" you might ask, well you see kids what happened was that young Danni was raised by a father who was a compulsive eater and a mother who wanted to make sure that her child never went hungry like she did. That situation along with some shit genetics and my own poor choices lead to a girl who weighed over 300lbs by her senior year of high school. However that all changed when I started college.  when I started college I was the shy awkward fat kid who had trouble making friends. For the first time in my life I was basically on my own and that...