Who am I + quick update

So this weekend I went to a convention and I did a lot of thinking and meditating. I realized that I don’t know who I am without my labels. I’m a vegetarian, I’m a recovering anorexic, I’m a daughter. But when I remove all that I don’t know what makes me Danni. I spend most of my time either working or reading/ watching videos about veganism or recovery. I don’t remember the last time I picked up a book for pleasure. Hell I don’t even know what I actually like anymore. I used to like hiking but I don’t have the energy for that anymore, I can’t concentrate on a book to save my life, the only thing I watch on netflix is “Criminal Minds” and I don’t even focus on that anymore. I want to do more and find new interests but I’m scared.

I’ve also been struggling a lot recently. Recovery is hard as heck and I’ve found myself falling back into old restrictive habits. I’ve been counting calories and macros trying to make sure i stay under my “safe number.” I’ve become much more focused on making sure everything I eat is healthy and has minimal ingredients. I’m at a point where I’m scared shitless but I can’t tell my therapist because I’m afraid I’ll lose her if i tell her.

You see a few weeks ago I sat in my therapist office wired on nearly 60oz of coffee and maybe 1/3rd of my meal plan. Even with all that caffeine I was tired. My therapist could tell something was up and I was an anxious jittery mess so she asked me what my intake was. Instead of lying like my ed said I told the truth.



When she heard how low my intake was she was disappointed and gave me a sort of ultimatum. I could either chose to continue recovery or I could stop seeing her because she wasn’t going to sit by and watch me kill myself. That kinda hit me. I’ve been trying but it’s so hard and I’m slipping. All I can think about is losing weight. I love my therapist and I don’t want to lose her but weightloss is equally important to me. I’ve considered stopping seeing my dietitian because I know she’ll try to stop me and she’ll send my meal logs to my therapist if I go under her minimum or start using too many behaviors again. I’ve also had multiple nightmares this week where I’ve ended up in the hospital or ERC Chicago. I feel like it would be easier for me to recover in that setting but 1) I’m not sick enough for that and 2) I can’t afford to take more time off work and school to go to treatment again.