Update/ The ups and downs of recovery

Feel the fear and do it anyway.  I swear that is one of my therapists favorite mottos.  What she forgot to mention is that feeling that fear is hard as hell and often leads to relapses.  Recovery is full of ups and downs and right now I’m stuck in a down.  I’ve been struggling for a few months now but a couple weeks ago I full out relapsed and honestly I’m scared to stop.  I’m scared that if I stop restricting I’ll gain back all the weight I lost during my eating disorder.  The idea of going back to over 300lbs scares me and the main reason I relapsed was because I got too close to that number.  I hated myself at my high weight even more than i hated myself during the depth of my ED.  I mean how much self hatred do you need to start purging regularly and starving yourself??  

Anyway I’m getting off topic. I relapsed and that happens a lot in recovery.  In the past year I’ve had probably 3-4 major relapsed but I’ve always got myself out of them thanks to my team.  However this time around I don’t want to stop but I know I need to.  The theme for NEDAwareness was “come as you are” and right now I’m struggling... A LOT.  I don’t intend to be so negative on this blog but I’m trying to be real.  Recovery isn’t all sunshine and rainbows.  Some days you drink ensure because its better than nothing.  Some days you sit on your therapists couch and ugly cry because your RD invalidated your entire disorder. (me today ngl) I guess what I’m trying to say is that its okay to not be okay.  You’re allowed to struggle and let yourself be vulnerable.

I started writing this post over a week ago but after my appointment with my therapist I realized its okay for me to struggle but its not an excuse for me to stop trying. (I hope than made sense)